Tag Archives: relationships

A Humble Man Goes A Long Way

Advice I gave to a young man is paying off from a break up: “Lay it all out there with her. If you guys love each other – do what it takes. Ask her two questions. 1. Can we work on this together? 2. Would you like to be with me?”

She loves him. They are going to work it through. The power of a humble man beats pride any day. Truth wins.

Two days later, I received a text saying “thank you” from him. We chatted a bit more and I told him:  “A humble man goes a long way. Just one thing, don’t let it get abused. You will know that line by your intuition. Women are visual as well. It’s the one misunderstanding I think men have. We need to see the actions of love. There ya go. For the rest of your life, you have the key.”

Not long after I messaged that, this came across my Twitter feed:
Don’t believe people who tell you they love you. Believe the people who show you.

I have dated some really prideful men when all I needed was to be shown vs words or hell, maybe even hearing would have been enough in one relationship. This isn’t about a man chasing a woman. This is about a man loving a woman and doing his part to keep things fresh, alive, grounded, stable and again: his part. What she does after that is her part. I don’t need to go deeper than this, I already advised for him to not let it get abused.

I don’t want to see this young couple fizzle into the trap of moving on and have the wash, rinse, repeat syndrome. There is no perfect partner – there is only a partner who is perfect for you.

Love isn’t a battlefield. It would be more of a bed of roses. They have thorns, beauty and all are uniquely different. It takes work to cultivate a good environment to get these beautiful creatures to grow. When two are side by side with equal care, they are amazing. Their roots will touch each other, drink the same water, share the same ‘bugs’ (aphid etc), require the same amount of light and shelter – but still remain the same unique rose as an individual.

Love from within your soul.cydylc3wgaeg9r2

Cheers.

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Intuition & Instinct: Which one do we listen to?

Intuition:
the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Instinct:
a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity.

Dreams are pretty interesting really. They can shows and teach us things that we may not have thought about while awake. Other times, they are a mix of goofy moments we did during the day or something we watched.  The dream I had last night revolved around a game called Space Engineers and I think a little bit of either Event Horizon or Alien slipped in the mix.

I was the Captain of a space craft and we were docking to board another ship that had not been answering back for some time.  I had a crew of five going over with me. My intuition was alarming me that something was clearly wrong with this picture of course.  Even though the oxygen was on at the second craft, I wouldn’t let any of us take our gear off.  All was quiet. Too quiet.

Going past a couple rooms that were empty and rounding a corner where the dining area is, we immediately see carnage of bodies. I will spare the details. Without hesitation, I told the crew we are to evacuate quietly and now. One started to argue that we were there to investigate and asked how I knew we were in danger. I replied that the blood was not fully dry.  I was a Captain of a space ship, not an investigator.

Intuition and instincts.

It hit me after I woke up that I was willing (in dream) to listen to both intuition and instincts. Why? Was it because there was blood? There was obvious danger?  What made me think not to take off our suits? I was thinking ahead. So the outcome wasn’t like we see in the movies where one dummy defies orders and takes it off, ends up with an alien rammed down his throat, we go back to the ship and it continues on. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Why don’t we use our intuition better with our daily life?  Why do we ignore signs and excuse people or their behavior? Is it because we have been taught to give chances from forgiveness?  It’s probably the best answer I can come up with.  In abuse situations, the victim stays with the abuser and forgives their words or actions, but it continues on again.

Forgive:
to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).
to give up resentment of or claim to requital for.
to grant relief from payment of.

Just because you forgive, it doesn’t mean you allow the person to continue to abuse, mistreat, disrespect, or to continue whatever it is that they keep doing.  So in repeat situations, it is not a habit, it is part of who they are, which brings me to control.

Control:
to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate.

Self
You must control yourself with action and words to keep from repeat moments.  Learn to listen to your intuition before it becomes instinct. There is no need to feel the ‘flight or fight’ from epinephrine rushing through your body because you’re stressed out, angry or fear your situation. It cases increased heart rate, blood pressure, cardiac output and carbohydrate metabolism. Go – look it up. Epinephrine.

Others
You cannot control others. They must master their own mind, soul, tongue and actions. They must see within their core being to change. You have no control over this – even if you or a counselor were to point it out. You have no control.

Action:
an act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity.

It speaks far louder than words and if you do not see progress on their side, it’s time to keep working on yourself and move forward. You may find that you will have to leave that person behind. Words are cheap, but action is worth gold.

So trust your intuition before your instincts kick in.

Featured image for the movie Alien.

Communication: Stick With The Plan

Communication. It’s vital in every situation, but more importantly – when both or all understand and stick with the same plan. When someone changes things without reasoning or informing the other(s) and then gets disappointed because the other person or team isn’t doing right by their plan….well, that just isn’t good communication.

Communication.
Planning.
Flexibility.
Goals.
Executing on the goals as a team.
Stay on target. (Damn straight I had to do a Star Wars line)
Good outcome.

It seems simple, I know. The sad fact is, many people don’t do communicate well. If you don’t have a good memory, it’s best to keep a journal to look back on. If you have to email yourself a reminder or put it on your online/desk/wall calendar – do so. You can’t expect others to read your mind. It will save time and relationships (work/love/friends/family).

Value: What is it?

Value.

I hear a lot of the ‘self-worth’ talk lately and I think in some ways it’s being overly used, which seems pretty typical anymore.
 
Value: It’s not your job. It’s not cars or trucks. It’s not your house. It’s not the money you make.These are secondary things that allow us to be comfortable with our journey in life.
 
Value is just being you. A human being – the person inside the meat suit. There is no such thing as physical perfection. Respect yourself without thinking you’re above others. Respect yourself to refrain from feeling below others. There is a huge difference of a discussion or silly joke vs abuse or continuous ill treatment. Just being you is enough. Just being you is enough. Repeat that and remember it forever.
 
So if someone places the things you own or do for a living as a value over who you are – Respect yourself.
 

Be A Simple Person

Be a simple person.

I’m the type of person that likes to smile, laugh, feel happiness, and peace. I try to maintain it all day long by fueling it with more. I don’t like to wonder or have intuitions kicking in. I don’t like anger, arguments, and grief.

If I feel I have said something to another – I will apologize. I compliment and thank people out of the blue. If I wanted pain in my life, I’d rather go back into BDSM. I see beauty, even in beasts. Unfortunately, some beasts never had a spell on them the whole time – it’s who they are.

I don’t like to be pushed just to see how far before I explode to tears.The only tears I like to experience are from laughter and believe me, the group of buddies I have, keep me in tears. I swear they should have their own web-series.

Maybe it seems naive to you, but at the end of the day, I go to sleep peaceful. If that’s being naive, then I guess I don’t want to break it out of my life.

Three Flaws to Break

About three years ago, I wrote a blog on why I was still single. “Damn girl. Why you still single?” Sound familiar to a lot of you who are single? Yeah, it’s actually funny to me and I’m not bothered by it at all, but I thought I would write about the adventures.

At that time, I thought I had all the answers as to why I was single until a few months later, I was swept up off my feet and going through a 2.3 year relationship and the 5 months of grieving after I broke it off. I now fully understand why.

It was pointed out that there were a few qualities about me that he said made him love me:
Innocence.
Independence.
Fragile.
Vulnerable.

I believed a lot was going to happen for our future together and went out of my way in that relationship. There really wasn’t a whole lot of action, just a lot of words. Those three things were kinda taken advantage of by the person who loved them.

So – I finally realized that I need to destroy all but one description: Independence.

I tend to believe people at their word way too easy. My trust gets violated. I’m a partial cynical person in the good sense and my intuition works, but a lot of times I just ignore it until my instincts have to kick in. That’s a problem that I need to work on. I would rather spare the feelings of others over mine. No longer will I do that.

In my previous blog, I was so wrong with all of the things I thought and yet at the same time, the things I thought on why I was single, really were these three core flaws.

I can combine the three (innocence, fragile and vulnerable) into one word: gullible. So I need to stop allowing myself in being persuaded into things and stand my ground.  I remember he once told me to never lose those qualities, but now I completely disagree that they are qualities. They are severe flaws.

So with that, even though that relationship ended in a lot of heartbreak and time wasted, it pointed out that these flaws need strengthening.

I am grateful. I want to see flaws, weaknesses and the stupid things I do because I would much rather be work-in-progress than a person who blames others and never sees their own faults – worse by never making progress of change.

I will continue to take people on their word, but I will follow-through with respectful expectations of seeing action behind the words.

So yes, even the most terrible or heartbreaking things that go on in your life, can indeed teach you something positive about yourself.

I expect of myself:
To be a better friend.
To be a better mate.
To be a better colleague.
To be a better human being.
To be more silly because humor is amazing.

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Lowered Expectations

Printed with permission.

True Story by a friend of mine named, Calix Lewis Reneau – produced screenwriter, published novelist, working director, experienced movie and television producer, award-winning musician, provocative blogger, top-selling greeting card writer, proud father.

Thanks – what you said here will stick forever with me. Just last night, a buddy of mine told me the  gal he had been seeing for two months admitted that she was in contact with her ex boyfriend. They were together for a couple years and then split up – hadn’t talked in six months. They realized they loved each other after all and apparently going to work on things.

Oh and to update this – all this taught me was about GOOD relationships and how real  love does continue on and to not expect my partner to be perfect and that I shouldn’t have the same expectations on me as well. Otherwise, I look forward to that one day.

_____________________________________

“I was married for a couple of decades, then divorced for about another decade, then I re-married my original wife a second time a couple of years ago.

When they find this out, people often ask me “what’s the secret to a happy relationship? How did you two get back together?”

My reply is always the same:

“Lowered expectations.”

Of course this always elicits the expected laughter. But it’s the God’s honest truth. We both had to get to the point where we realized that 90% of our tensions and problems came from expecting our Significant Other to be everything at all times to us, which is effin’ insane if you think about it.

The other 90% of our problems come from believing the other person has to change the stuff that annoys me in order for me to be happy, or for us to be healthy – which is just as effin’ insane if you think about it.

So, we now don’t expect each other to be everything we need, and we also are learning to realize “that thing we’re arguing about? Doesn’t need arguing – you think what you think, I think what I think, we’re both grown-ass adults with our own opinions, let it go!”

What stemmed this amazing story – I posted a little wisdom that I have learned on Facebook:

“Most people over the age of 35 should really have a good grasp that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Some learn this right after high school, but by the time you’re in that mid-thirties, you really get it. Others don’t and they keep trying to find that male/female 10 out there and it makes for unrealistic expectations.

It’s called – getting to know someone, listening/talking, bonding, trusting, loving and just being happy. Do things together. I’ve seen it with some really amazing friends who have been married and sure, they have their arguments, but they don’t huff off looking for the next failure to come along. People are different and will always have same/different thoughts, tastes, preferences, etc. You can’t make someone conform to your ways. It won’t work.”