2016. What a strange and unexpected year. To be honest, I could also throw in 2015 and 2014 in the mix as well.
It’s December now and if you were to ask me one year ago (Christmas time) as to where I was going to be, I honestly believed that I would be writing this from Fort Worth, Texas and talking about different goals and paths. I thought that I would be spending time with someone (his family for the holidays) and getting married or maybe already. This was not the case and a cold dose of reality hit me.
A ROLLER COASTER RIDE DERAILED
Was it for the better? Probably since things were so very confusing and twisted. I broke it off in June. I still don’t know what was truth and/or if things were said and just forgotten or if it was as shallow as it seemed to others and finally with me at the end. There was zero apologies from his end. Other things said that were not healthy while unrealistic expectations transpired, lack of clear and mutual communication, but most importantly was my dignity went out the window for him. I can’t take it back.
Afterward, I still want to believe he loved me, but it took time to realize that silence means many things in different situations. I wrote a very detailed letter after I broke it off explaining why I left. I gave many chances and even waited for him to apologize and make some changes for himself as a person. I needed to see if he was out for himself and thinks it’s all my fault or if it really was meaningless crap.
It was just not going to happen which became even more confusing, painful and damaging. I did blame myself. I blamed myself because “you’re not trying hard enough.” It took six months to finally heal up with the first two months of non-stop tears and this is coming from a girl who doesn’t cry much. You don’t just ‘get over it’ like many people tell you to do. Clearly they have never been in your shoes and don’t know the emotion you’re feeling.
Honestly, none of that matters. None of the issues at all really matter because I realized that I loved someone more than I love myself. When you realize there is something wrong with this picture, it can lead you down a dark path.
Change can be scary, but you know what’s scarier? Allowing fear to stop you from growing, evolving, and progressing. Even scarier – when you think you don’t need change.
Sometimes in life, you go through a dark spot and you might feel you can’t get out. I nearly ‘lost my shit’ during the break up and it was because of things I did for that relationship. I was feeling and thinking things I never have in my entire life.
Thankfully, a few friends saw some signs and heard a tone in my voice apparently. I was desperate to talk about things that made me feel disgusting, down, and useless in life. I had to regain my self-respect, dignity and love. I had to realize that I end up with guys who do not love me – they use me that I won’t go into deeper details. So be very careful telling someone to ‘just get over it’ next time.
I have always been the positive believer and motivating myself and others through my own words. So when I became the person in need, I reached out. I am grateful for the many free videos on YouTube, websites of motivational speakers, Facebook groups, and anything I could find out there to keep me focused on thriving to get out of the well and back to being me.
I was wrong in blaming myself. As for “you’re not trying hard enough” – well I was for the situation. When things are not mutual, you can only do so much. You have to accept that there will never be a change unless they see and want it, an “I love you”, or an apology. Ever. You have to accept it and find a way to maneuver past it. I know that Karma or the Great Architect of the Universe will do it’s thing.
WHEN DARKNESS GETS BLACK
I have never been in this place before and now I understand and empathize with many who have been here. I do not wish this upon anyone. I didn’t feel like I was going to the extent of actually doing suicide, but I’m going to post this in case someone reading this does feel like it:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
You are just in a well right now and you might think there is no way out, but you don’t see the way out – cry out to someone. Reach out – start climbing. You are not worthless. You are not stupid. You are not a retard. You are not ugly. You are not fat. You are not a pile of shit. You do not need to try harder for other people’s purposes or their expectations.
Those are all terrible words and phrases that people have said to you. Live for you. Live life the way you want to. Go live your dreams. They need to show actions over words and be responsible for themselves. You are not to blame.
Take time to heal over things – it’s my thought that six months is a good line to draw that if it goes past that time, you should start thinking about why you’re not getting over it and maybe seek some help. Set some new goals just for you. Get through the negative to seek the positive. If someone tells you to ‘get over it’ – be sure to tell them (bluntly): Go fuck yourself.
WORK AND FINANCES
Like I mentioned above, I had been looking for work in Dallas/Fort Worth and one year ago, I turned down a job in the area with a known talk show host due to the way things were feeling in the relationship, but I didn’t really want to believe it. So I kept lingering and was in limbo-land not really knowing what to do. It’s much deeper than this and don’t feel the need to go further.
After I broke it off, the strangest things started happening – some job leads and some cash came in. I just had to go back to the start of my film career: editing. I was able to get Lockhart Enterprises, Inc. starting up again. It’s been slow, but it’s better than being in limbo. I didn’t expect my finances to just boom overnight.
The focus on this next year is to be stable and on my own as an independent contractor or hired on with someone else..
My creativity came back which had been missing for a couple of years. I was close to production on a short film, but I need to complete it as a feature because it holds value. It’s a long story on this, but worth it in the end when it happens. I may mix things up a bit. So I will be working on two feature scripts, with the second one having a buddy’s eyes on it.
I’m so very grateful for my longtime friends who kept with me while I was focused on leaving to another city and giving so much attention to a guy. I’m grateful for the humor my gaming buddies provide and honest truth. I get great advice from them about men and how to handle situations. I’m reaching out to my friends and realizing who friends are when you have nothing to offer but friendship. It’s a two-way street. If I contact you for even a question, it should tell you that I trust and value your word. Where is the text, call or message asking me how I’m doing? Friendships are two-way streets. I know who reaches out to me. I know who have been there all along. Good people.
I’m back to being healthy and down to my goal weight. I am doing combat styled workouts, eat healthy as a carnivorous rabbit, take care of my skin, vitamins, sleep healthy, keep peace within and it seems to work well. Believe me, if I get dehydrated, I will get dark circles under my eyes. So keeping hydrated and staying out of the sun allows me to take silly selfies without being Photoshopped. I just giggle over pictures that have been blurred to all hell.
So what if my wrinkles aren’t deep and who cares if you or I have them? At least it shows we laugh. Am I supposed to look like shit because I’m older than 25? Fuck that. I have good genetics, but a big key is not smoking, drinking, drugs, and stay the hell out of the sun. That helps, but there is no such thing as perfection. I’m tired of apologizing for how I look or even being asked if I have hair extensions, lip injections, botox, or fake boobs – NO. I don’t have the money for any of that crap and wouldn’t do it. I’m tired of feeling bad. I have a four inch scar on my right cheek. I have insecurities like everyone else.
We’re all aging – since birth if you haven’t noticed. So stop it. Take care of yourself and stop focusing on others….especially women. We need to stick together. It’s bad enough we have a bunch of nasty, ugly, thumb head men sitting around judging us and telling us what is hot and not just so they can jerk off. Damned straight I called them that because it’s time women stop being so nice to men and ripping on women.
VOCAL TO TOXIC PEOPLE
A lot of what I went through this year, I found that I have no patience for toxic people. I am polite at first when they start whining and then I finally have to shut them down. If you’re nice or you lie to them, it only encourages them to continue being toxic. It’s especially so with my gaming world. I finally had to tell one buddy that it’s just a game and you can’t expect to win every time due to the situation of the matches and that it really becomes no fun to the point I want to play another game.
I’m competitive, but I’m also realistic. If we’re going full on sponsored competition – that’s one thing, but to just be playing with random players from around the world as our team ….you can’t expect perfection. When toxic people invade my peaceful and happy mode, I can’t sit back and let it continue any more.
VOCAL IN GENERAL, BEING NICE & DRAMA
I don’t have to be around toxic people to be vocal. I am done being the people pleasing person. There just has never been a place for drama in my life. I hate it. I just like to be a happy person and it might mean being naïve, but I’m okay with that.Being nice has a bad habit of collecting creeps, douchebags and nut jobs. Unfortunately, when you’re nice to people, they assume you like to listen and then you’re smack dab in the middle of drama.
You don’t know why at first because this isn’t what you expected, but it all revolves around just being nice to people. So I have had to sit back and ask myself if this person shows signs of being like others. I’ve been learning to sever myself from nice in certain situations and it’s helped a lot.
I never thought I could love someone the way I did, but I did. For me it felt like it could fill the Universe. This next time, I just need to make sure that I’m loved on an equal level. Love is not by words – it is an action.
INTENT reveals desire; ACTION reveals commitment. #SteveMaraboli
A post of mine on Facebook a few weeks ago:
Il est temps pour l’amour. Je suis prêt – pas parce que j’ai besoin d’être, mais parce que je veux être. To translate: It’s time for love. I am ready – not because I need to be, but because I want to be.
A buddy of mine asked me: “But I have a question: Are you ready to love?”
My reply was:
For the first time in my life, I am ready to BE loved. I did love. I had finally loved someone so very much that I wanted to move where he was and grow together as time goes by. We were not on the same level with truth as I clearly see now and that it was there all along. Words to string along. Don’t let a guy tell you he wants to marry you, let a man show you he wants to marry you.
I was never included (treated like a shadow) and that was a huge sign to overlook. I did a little researching into my relationship past and found similar patterns that I need to break and what I should and shouldn’t seek out. Bla, bla, bla.
It was also adorable to see a young gamer man buy his girlfriend a pretty bracelet for Christmas and she lives in another city. He worked so hard and it was nearly all of his paycheck. It opened my eyes on how he talks about her and treats her.
I was always a very private person and I suppose this is kind of rare for a woman, but I didn’t get into the chicks circle and talk about baking cookies or what finger nail polish looked good or what nighty turned my man on…..I always thought this was stupid. Plus, I thought….well, what did he do to turn me on? Yep, I am a lover of sex so it’s a mutual thing. I’m just not into the whole girls do this and guys do that. I like sports, cars, sex, and can still put on a dress and high heels.
I never felt my world was interesting enough to yap about really. I’m a boring person to most unless you want to know my thoughts. I only drink on light occasions and I don’t smoke. I never did drugs and played sports in school all year long and did co-ed after school was out for a long while. I have been a gamer for as long as I remember and that will not stop.
I think a lot of my hard core privacy came when I ended up with a stalker for six years (99-05). I had to remove pictures of family and friends, close accounts, make things private, don’t talk about people, where I was going to go and only talk about where I had been if at all…most times it was a made up venue to throw off the stalker.
So I think when I became a shadow person in a relationship when I was ready to be open about who I was with – all hell broke loose internally.
I’ve finally come to a balance in my life. It took long enough and some really rough roads, but I’m finally back to my ballsy, sassy self and then some. I won’t be as easy-going and who are there for me as I am for them.
My wicked sense of humor has returned. That’s the beauty, really I have a normal sense of humor. I have learned that if your sense of humor is only understood by a few people, then it’s probably time to re-evaluate yourself a bit. Sure, it’s okay to have some odd-ball quirks, but when it’s everything and it doesn’t average out with others, pull out the iron and board. Get the kinks out. Berating people or using humor to see how far you can push them – that isn’t humor. That rides that line of abuse. Re-evaluate yourself.
A CHANGE FOR A DIFFERENT CHAPTER
I look forward to a strong and fabulous change happening in all of the areas in my life filled with good friends, good decisions, as little drama as possible, and great colleagues with a positive income flow that allows for things I need and my own path of living.
I wish for continued success and other private things through the year. No more waiting around. I wouldn’t mind welcoming love and know this time to pay attention to actions. No more waiting. I waited for a miracle of change with the ex long enough. It didn’t happen and it won’t happen. I accept it. I will continue to be a work-in-progress for myself and what would make me a better person.
As for love – it will have to take some serious Earth-shattering event to get my attention at this point, but I know that it has to also be the right person. I have never been one to seek out, but I will now take time to ask a man for coffee. Never just anyone. Not a perfect man, but a man perfect for me.
One day, you will be just a memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one. Just remember, you’re not responsible for their words and actions.
A much smaller and healthier me. It’s good to be back to healthy. Forever.
I was accused that this picture was photoshopped for skin color and congratulated on weight loss: As for this photo – my chest has moles and a reddish tone from being burned in the sun really bad about five years ago playing softball. I can’t help it. I could put foundation on it, but why bother. That’s why my hooter is whiter than my chest. *shrug*
So I decided to have a little fun with Photoshop and let it auto correct the color. I then matched my skin tone from my right hooter at the lightest section near the shirt and went over my entire skin to match and did it over the hair that’s on my skin – hell, even my lips. I removed my bags/circles under my eyes and removed my smile grin – oh and transformed my jawline into something I’m not. BOOM – photoshopped.
Lesson learned that I should put my pictures through auto color correct and never just upload from my phone. It does look smoother though. Thank to the critic. You did open my eyes that my raw pics are awful.