Tag Archives: men

A Humble Man Goes A Long Way

Advice I gave to a young man is paying off from a break up: “Lay it all out there with her. If you guys love each other – do what it takes. Ask her two questions. 1. Can we work on this together? 2. Would you like to be with me?”

She loves him. They are going to work it through. The power of a humble man beats pride any day. Truth wins.

Two days later, I received a text saying “thank you” from him. We chatted a bit more and I told him:  “A humble man goes a long way. Just one thing, don’t let it get abused. You will know that line by your intuition. Women are visual as well. It’s the one misunderstanding I think men have. We need to see the actions of love. There ya go. For the rest of your life, you have the key.”

Not long after I messaged that, this came across my Twitter feed:
Don’t believe people who tell you they love you. Believe the people who show you.

I have dated some really prideful men when all I needed was to be shown vs words or hell, maybe even hearing would have been enough in one relationship. This isn’t about a man chasing a woman. This is about a man loving a woman and doing his part to keep things fresh, alive, grounded, stable and again: his part. What she does after that is her part. I don’t need to go deeper than this, I already advised for him to not let it get abused.

I don’t want to see this young couple fizzle into the trap of moving on and have the wash, rinse, repeat syndrome. There is no perfect partner – there is only a partner who is perfect for you.

Love isn’t a battlefield. It would be more of a bed of roses. They have thorns, beauty and all are uniquely different. It takes work to cultivate a good environment to get these beautiful creatures to grow. When two are side by side with equal care, they are amazing. Their roots will touch each other, drink the same water, share the same ‘bugs’ (aphid etc), require the same amount of light and shelter – but still remain the same unique rose as an individual.

Love from within your soul.cydylc3wgaeg9r2

Cheers.

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Intuition & Instinct: Which one do we listen to?

Intuition:
the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Instinct:
a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity.

Dreams are pretty interesting really. They can shows and teach us things that we may not have thought about while awake. Other times, they are a mix of goofy moments we did during the day or something we watched.  The dream I had last night revolved around a game called Space Engineers and I think a little bit of either Event Horizon or Alien slipped in the mix.

I was the Captain of a space craft and we were docking to board another ship that had not been answering back for some time.  I had a crew of five going over with me. My intuition was alarming me that something was clearly wrong with this picture of course.  Even though the oxygen was on at the second craft, I wouldn’t let any of us take our gear off.  All was quiet. Too quiet.

Going past a couple rooms that were empty and rounding a corner where the dining area is, we immediately see carnage of bodies. I will spare the details. Without hesitation, I told the crew we are to evacuate quietly and now. One started to argue that we were there to investigate and asked how I knew we were in danger. I replied that the blood was not fully dry.  I was a Captain of a space ship, not an investigator.

Intuition and instincts.

It hit me after I woke up that I was willing (in dream) to listen to both intuition and instincts. Why? Was it because there was blood? There was obvious danger?  What made me think not to take off our suits? I was thinking ahead. So the outcome wasn’t like we see in the movies where one dummy defies orders and takes it off, ends up with an alien rammed down his throat, we go back to the ship and it continues on. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Why don’t we use our intuition better with our daily life?  Why do we ignore signs and excuse people or their behavior? Is it because we have been taught to give chances from forgiveness?  It’s probably the best answer I can come up with.  In abuse situations, the victim stays with the abuser and forgives their words or actions, but it continues on again.

Forgive:
to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).
to give up resentment of or claim to requital for.
to grant relief from payment of.

Just because you forgive, it doesn’t mean you allow the person to continue to abuse, mistreat, disrespect, or to continue whatever it is that they keep doing.  So in repeat situations, it is not a habit, it is part of who they are, which brings me to control.

Control:
to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate.

Self
You must control yourself with action and words to keep from repeat moments.  Learn to listen to your intuition before it becomes instinct. There is no need to feel the ‘flight or fight’ from epinephrine rushing through your body because you’re stressed out, angry or fear your situation. It cases increased heart rate, blood pressure, cardiac output and carbohydrate metabolism. Go – look it up. Epinephrine.

Others
You cannot control others. They must master their own mind, soul, tongue and actions. They must see within their core being to change. You have no control over this – even if you or a counselor were to point it out. You have no control.

Action:
an act that one consciously wills and that may be characterized by physical or mental activity.

It speaks far louder than words and if you do not see progress on their side, it’s time to keep working on yourself and move forward. You may find that you will have to leave that person behind. Words are cheap, but action is worth gold.

So trust your intuition before your instincts kick in.

Featured image for the movie Alien.

Three Flaws to Break

About three years ago, I wrote a blog on why I was still single. “Damn girl. Why you still single?” Sound familiar to a lot of you who are single? Yeah, it’s actually funny to me and I’m not bothered by it at all, but I thought I would write about the adventures.

At that time, I thought I had all the answers as to why I was single until a few months later, I was swept up off my feet and going through a 2.3 year relationship and the 5 months of grieving after I broke it off. I now fully understand why.

It was pointed out that there were a few qualities about me that he said made him love me:
Innocence.
Independence.
Fragile.
Vulnerable.

I believed a lot was going to happen for our future together and went out of my way in that relationship. There really wasn’t a whole lot of action, just a lot of words. Those three things were kinda taken advantage of by the person who loved them.

So – I finally realized that I need to destroy all but one description: Independence.

I tend to believe people at their word way too easy. My trust gets violated. I’m a partial cynical person in the good sense and my intuition works, but a lot of times I just ignore it until my instincts have to kick in. That’s a problem that I need to work on. I would rather spare the feelings of others over mine. No longer will I do that.

In my previous blog, I was so wrong with all of the things I thought and yet at the same time, the things I thought on why I was single, really were these three core flaws.

I can combine the three (innocence, fragile and vulnerable) into one word: gullible. So I need to stop allowing myself in being persuaded into things and stand my ground.  I remember he once told me to never lose those qualities, but now I completely disagree that they are qualities. They are severe flaws.

So with that, even though that relationship ended in a lot of heartbreak and time wasted, it pointed out that these flaws need strengthening.

I am grateful. I want to see flaws, weaknesses and the stupid things I do because I would much rather be work-in-progress than a person who blames others and never sees their own faults – worse by never making progress of change.

I will continue to take people on their word, but I will follow-through with respectful expectations of seeing action behind the words.

So yes, even the most terrible or heartbreaking things that go on in your life, can indeed teach you something positive about yourself.

I expect of myself:
To be a better friend.
To be a better mate.
To be a better colleague.
To be a better human being.
To be more silly because humor is amazing.

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Lowered Expectations

Printed with permission.

True Story by a friend of mine named, Calix Lewis Reneau – produced screenwriter, published novelist, working director, experienced movie and television producer, award-winning musician, provocative blogger, top-selling greeting card writer, proud father.

Thanks – what you said here will stick forever with me. Just last night, a buddy of mine told me the  gal he had been seeing for two months admitted that she was in contact with her ex boyfriend. They were together for a couple years and then split up – hadn’t talked in six months. They realized they loved each other after all and apparently going to work on things.

Oh and to update this – all this taught me was about GOOD relationships and how real  love does continue on and to not expect my partner to be perfect and that I shouldn’t have the same expectations on me as well. Otherwise, I look forward to that one day.

_____________________________________

“I was married for a couple of decades, then divorced for about another decade, then I re-married my original wife a second time a couple of years ago.

When they find this out, people often ask me “what’s the secret to a happy relationship? How did you two get back together?”

My reply is always the same:

“Lowered expectations.”

Of course this always elicits the expected laughter. But it’s the God’s honest truth. We both had to get to the point where we realized that 90% of our tensions and problems came from expecting our Significant Other to be everything at all times to us, which is effin’ insane if you think about it.

The other 90% of our problems come from believing the other person has to change the stuff that annoys me in order for me to be happy, or for us to be healthy – which is just as effin’ insane if you think about it.

So, we now don’t expect each other to be everything we need, and we also are learning to realize “that thing we’re arguing about? Doesn’t need arguing – you think what you think, I think what I think, we’re both grown-ass adults with our own opinions, let it go!”

What stemmed this amazing story – I posted a little wisdom that I have learned on Facebook:

“Most people over the age of 35 should really have a good grasp that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Some learn this right after high school, but by the time you’re in that mid-thirties, you really get it. Others don’t and they keep trying to find that male/female 10 out there and it makes for unrealistic expectations.

It’s called – getting to know someone, listening/talking, bonding, trusting, loving and just being happy. Do things together. I’ve seen it with some really amazing friends who have been married and sure, they have their arguments, but they don’t huff off looking for the next failure to come along. People are different and will always have same/different thoughts, tastes, preferences, etc. You can’t make someone conform to your ways. It won’t work.”

 

 

PRODUCER’S CORNER: Lessons from 2012

It’s 2013 already and I’m finally getting around to my 2012 review.   Some things are going to blow your mind and others, well, you probably experienced it yourself.  Not all of this is going to be about film or dudes – It’s everything under the sink time.  I’m going to do my best to keep this as humorous as possible when I can.

So here it goes.

DISCLAIMER:  Not for sissy-pants.  You have been warned.  F-bombs may be included.  Reader discretion is advised.

WISDOM
I’ve learned a great deal last year.  Yep.  As years go by, you would think that the learning would slow down from being ‘wiser’ than the year before.  Whoever said that crap is a complete moron.  I assure you, you will never stop learning and the odds are, you’re going to make the same mistakes again and again.

DUDES & DICKS
Dude #1:  I have said goodbye to a long time ‘well-known’ Composer who was so full of crap with everything he said to me and hell, we were not intimate – just friends.  He would say he was going to buy two cameras and start his own film production company and all these ‘things.’  I was told that due to not being intimate, I was his muse.  His greatest inspiration due to me keeping things professional. Until one day, he decided to send a photo of his junk….and I’m not talking in a garbage can folks.  Imagine my face starring at an over-inflated hot dog.  I told this ‘friend’ that it was inappropriate and to not treat me like that but also added that with his career, it’s not wise to do stupid stuff like this because I know I was not the only one.  He likes Skype a lot.  So, a great supportive friendship went down the ‘tube’ because of an idiot.  I removed him completely so I am no longer his muse which makes me amused.    Maybe with all the hot air he has, he can fill a blow up doll.

Dude #2:  A depressed news person who makes perverted comments to the point his work notices it and tells him to stop….mmyah……’nuff said.

Dude #3:  A dude on Facebook who wants to ‘get to know me’ but freaks out because I don’t email him back and says he’s out.  I emailed and said that he was never in.  I was not even attracted to the guy and I get into trouble.

What is wrong with men today?

FILM
Wow.  What a bi-polar year with the high lows.

Lesson #1: Don’t mentor.  Don’t do it or you will beat yourself like you’re on fire and need to get the flames out.  If you mentor, make sure it’s someone who has TRUE potential to do it.  If you don’t, light yourself on fire and beat out the flames.

Lesson #2: If you say that you know Matt Damon, the odds are pretty fucking good that I’m going to find out.  When I contact Matt Damon and he doesn’t know you or the person you claim was recommended to you, that’s when I throw you out the window of a 747 in mid-flight.  This is sound advice for filmmakers – do NOT pretend you know celebrities higher than you.  There are smart fuckers like me who find out and know people for ‘realz yo’ but we don’t tell.

Lesson #3: Trust in your instincts.  What’s it going to take for you do to it – your stomach to crawl through your belly wall and talk to you?  When your instincts go off, it’s your subconscious level warning you that there are troubles ahead and you should step away from the steaming pile of dog doo.  But hey, it’s your choice.   Do you go ahead and step in it to see what scent it is or do you walk away feeling fresh as a daisy?  Make the choice.

Lesson #4:  Holy hell Film Man, you’re not the only filmmaker out there and quit pointing the finger at other people’s film calling them ‘shit’ when your own work sucks.  Oops – I finally said it.

Lesson #5: Shut up and make movies – all the complaining about money with short films. Who wouldn’t want to get paid?  But if you want to get paid – go find the money for the filmmaker who has the film.  Eh?   *crickets*  The odds of anyone in a local scene (pick any major film city) for film (only) making money is damned few.  Otherwise, it’s commercial gigs, corporate gigs, wedding and funerals for us all.  You have to love what you do first.  If you hate making movies without pay – what are you in this for?

Lesson #6:  In 2011, I told a colleague of an idea after talking with the Mayor of Sultan about a film and now his friend is making something very similar that I found in 2012.  Yes, I have documentation.

Lesson #6:  I watch one fan film production say slanderous things about another fan film production that has the authentic celebrities involved from the real franchise that they are fans from.  Fucking moron.  I’d say that the real celebrity (choose any generation) fan film based off the franchise production has a better chance of surviving and running free.  Oh and um….better god damned acting too.  So – I said it.  What of it?  Call each other and cry or make fun of people like normal.  *eye roll*  Again, another reason not to be like these kind of so called filmmakers.

Lesson #7:  There are some really amazing people out there who are willing to help.  They don’t make fun of you.  They don’t talk shit about you.  They want to work with you and get something done together.  REMEMBER THIS. It’s really important to remember this when things are tough.  Place an ad and find people.  There are always actors and crew who are looking for experience but don’t get it because they are not in with the crowd or just need a chance.

Lesson #8: Don’t believe what people say without verifying it.  Go read my Dude #1 story.  There are people out there with hidden motives who will lie, cheat, and steal from you.  Be very careful out there.

Lesson #9: What’s the rush?  Don’t hurry into a production after writing.  Take your time to perfect it and film it.  Let it have the best chance at quality your film can have.  You will thank yourself later.

Lesson #10: Everything else under the kitchen sink goes here.

LIFE & VAMPIRES
In case you don’t know this, life is great!  It’s an amazing adventure filled with good and bad people.  Sure, you’re going to run across negative people but it is you who can control how much energy they get out of you.  I like to avoid ‘energy vampires.’  Every now and then I stumble across one that zaps me because I don’t see the signs right away.  Some appear to be positive but then zap you.

TELL IT LIKE IT IS
Stop lying.  Be honest with people.  I have seen people say stuff and turn around and smile, shake hands and say they love the person they just said stuff about.  I end up in a daze not believing what I just witnessed.  Oh and if you don’t like what something that someone did to you, speak up.  Now is a great time to start doing this – it is liberating!

BE POSITIVE
Look, no one is 100% positive.  If someone says they are, they are so full of shit – they’re eyes are brown.  Red if they ate beets but you get the idea.  Surround yourself around positive people when you’re down.  If you are around someone who repeatedly says, “I’m going to quit…” it will rub off on you.  Get rid of that person in your life.  Believe me, it’s life changing to eliminate that kind of talk and vibe.

Alrighty – that’s a wrap on this baby before it ends up being a book.  Not as funny as I thought it might be but hey, I’m no professional comedian dang it.

Let’s roll forward on to a beautiful year with 2013.